I’ll admit a little secret: I’m not always perfect. In fact, I’m rarely ever perfect. Nor would I wish to be. However, I do find a sense of integrity in vulnerability, in the flow state of learning in the present moment and being open to life.
As a recent practice, I have been working with the notion of remorse. Inspired by Marshall Rosenberg, who teaches remorse as an alternative path to apology, I have been practicing being with the feelings associated with grief, instead of jumping past the moment and into repentance. This means that instead of asking for an apology to solve a problem, I actually make friends with the pain of the problem itself. Nothing can be healed without being seen, and so the idea is a deeper emotional healing, instead of a band-aid. “Nonviolent Communication shows us a big difference between mourning and apology. Apology is basically part of our violent language. It implies wrongness–that you should be blamed, that you should be penitent, that you’re a terrible person for what you did–and when you agree that you are a horrible person and when you have become sufficiently penitent, you can be forgiven. Sorry is part of the game. If you hate yourself enough, you can be forgiven, you see” (Rosenberg, 2005, p. 73). What is really healing is going inside yourself and seeing the need that was not met. This is a hallmark of restoration, and justice. This kind of personal suffering leads to healing, and is called genuine heart of sadness, or compassion (which means ‘to suffer with’). The key is to mourn, be with the sadness, create compassion and empathy for ourselves, and move forward from a place of mutual understanding. It’s better to be with imperfection than apologize for something not worth attaining anyways.
Resources
Rosenberg, M. B. (2005). Speak peace in a world of conflict: What you say next will change your world. PuddleDancer Press.
