I consider privacy to be a favorite luxury. I currently enjoy a life of independence, a supporting role behind the scenes, a hermitage of clandestine study. I love this life. I love the attention I can give to reading, sleeping, meditating, writing, and walking my dog. I love the relationship I have cultivated with myself.
And, I also want a life of love and healthy relationships. My desire for a vibrant relationship trumps my desire to have my home to myself, and so, I recently opened up my home to welcome in my sweetheart. I realize that couples cohabitate together all the time, but realism was not able to shake my fear of giving up my unobscured freedom. In a sense, I’m still afraid of sharing my space, physically and emotionally. As the time approached for our set move-in-date, I enjoyed what I perceived to be my last few days of solitude. And yet, I missed my sweetie. During this shift I realized that the more I opened up my space, the more my home actually grew. My home multiplied in not only shared rooms, but also in shared ideas, meditation, joy, love, and time. I suddenly had someone who could share in my tears and my triumphs, who could share in walking the dog and cooking dinner (although the dog would argue that she now gets double the walks). And even better, I am now able to share my gifts of holding space and loving my partner during his tears and triumphs. Daily living has taken on a different color spectrum, and for the better.
As I reflect on how opening my home and letting go of control actually enhanced it, I notice how this also applies to letting more of the world into my heart. The truth is I am afraid to share my gifts with the world, I’m afraid to be vulnerable, I’m afraid to be accountable and responsible. And, I also love sharing my gifts, being vulnerable, and being responsible. I absolutely adore being a part of the world, sharing in its tears and its triumphs. So, as I approach graduation from my Master’s program, I intend not to stay in obscuration. I intend to share my research, my presence and gifts, and the novel I have written. I look forward to more openings and more colors as I expand my relationships and open up to smell the sweetness of tears and triumphs.
