I Am That

“Every man has within himself the entire human condition”

-Michel de Montaigne

I recently encountered a breakup that I was ready for.  Not that I was ready to say goodbye, because leaving is never easy.  But before the actual split I had already processed the truth of separation.  Relationships are circular, and oftentimes the very beginning gives us clues to future consciousness.  This particular relationship was no exception.  Looking back, I had witnessed the end in a single moment of clarity.  Early on, I asked my sweetie about the tattoo inked over his right shoulder.  I suspected that tattoos weren’t really his thing, so I inquired about what inspired him to engrave this permanent archetypal reminder.  He replied that he had tinkered with the design and its meaning for a while, and after much hemming and hawing, discovered his difficulty with commitment.  To conquer his fear, he decided that he would either commit to this tattoo, or, get a dog.  This self-portrait hit me like a wave of clarity reflecting my own inner fear of commitment, and I realized…I chose the dog.

In this moment, I knew that he was meant to teach me something about myself.  The lesson was my own fear of commitment presenting itself in the context of a relationship.  I had fallen for the ease of levity; He was intending to move to China, hence I could feel safe dating someone I really enjoyed.  I didn’t have to commit.

Our relationships show us the most important parts of ourselves, not to scare us, but to teach us.  Each lesson will continue to manifest in our lives until we are present to walk through.  Instead of escaping, it is our job to face the beast.  After all, our monsters protect our most cherished gold.  I learned from this particular lesson that I am afraid of commitment, which refrains me from expressing my truest self.  Perhaps it would be wise to change my mind-set towards loving my commitments.  After all, moving through my most trying challenges has found me clarity, resilience, and self-actualization.  This lover surely appeared in my life so that I could learn that I was attracting people who would leave me, because that is what I do.  We can take our hurts with pain and sadness, or we can treat these occurrences as puzzle pieces to solving the mystery that makes us whole.  We get to choose whether we play the role of victim or creator.  Even though I still feel a loss, I am thankful that he taught me this lesson.  Maybe if we both evolve we can even be friends.

Furthermore, the qualities I miss in him already reside within me.  I know I already possess confidence, energy, inspiration, drive, curiosity, presence…otherwise this harmony wouldn’t have resonated between us.  I am capable of expressing these chords within my own space.  I am that with which I interact.  I am that which I see.  I am that.