Milking goats is one of my favorite things to do each week. Goats are considered the great calmers of nature, in fact, farmers would house their goats in the barn with cows and horses to relax their companions. It’s thought to help render more milk or a better race performance. Since goats are so relaxing, if you wanted to antagonize someone, you could ‘get their goat’ in order to upset their cows and horses. I find that spending time with the animals on the farm is a replenishing counterbalance to the buzzing city life.
My goats had kids last month, and it made me recall the ancient biblical archetype of the scapegoat, wherein a town would cast all of its peoples’ sins onto the goat and then banish or sacrifice the goat away, thereby cleansing the community. Unlike the primeval practice, modern scapegoating is more of being singled out in a group. ‘Escape-goating’ also happens in relationships. We project our shadows (unwanted feelings like anger, frustration, shame) onto our peers or loved ones and then send the person away to be ‘fixed’. Maybe we don’t literally send the loved one away (although in some cases–stereotyping, unaccountable management, rehab, genocide–we do) but it does cause a rift in emotional intimacy and our ability to connect to the wholeness of our human aliveness. And for the one scapegoated, there is a feeling of scarcity, separation, and confusion. In my experience, ignoring a problem doesn’t do much for solving it. When we cast our problems away, we are not cleansed. Rather, our problems gain power over us. I’ve found that facing a discomfort directly is the best way to move through and move on. When we don’t deal with our goats, the problem remains.
We scapegoat ourselves, too, when we see an ugly part of ourselves in someone else. When we notice behaviors in someone else that feel uncomfortable, we scapegoat by projecting all the blame and anger and difficult emotions onto the other.
What’s a healthy alternative? Holding all parts of another, and ourselves, with a sense of friendliness. As my dear friend Morgan would say, “Friends are powerful. True friends are treasured creatures. True friends don’t scapegoat. True friends say they’re sorry. And to be a true friend to others, we must be a true friend to ourselves.” It is not always easy, especially because this feminine approach feels awkward against the dominant masculine western way of ‘fixing’ things. Love it all. Be curious of obstacles and shadows in the womb of your own consciousness. This is the only way for a relationship to grow.
Back on the farm, I had my own scape with a goat. Thistle was exerting her own dominance over the herd, and this game extended to her loving humans. She wasn’t being harmful, but a head-butting goat is an unsettling experience. She wanted to be seen as lead lady, and was confusing the boundaries of her herd and her caretakers. Goat behavior states that if you engage her, she’s going to want more. But when I faced forward with direct, firm, and gentle assertion, she backed off. I was letting her know that I didn’t want to play into her power struggle, and she listened, and softened. The key was to hold firm to my soft but clearly grounded center. What a blessing that we would remain friends because I wouldn’t play her control game.
I experienced scapegoating in my own family a number of transformations ago. What I can say is that it feels pretty awful not to be seen and heard amongst the backdrop of other peoples projections. What’s worse is when I began to internalize the projections. I felt lonely and confused. But, stripped of everything, I was able to find my true voice underneath it all. Conflict can always be healing on the other side, and all troubles wash out over time, and with love. When a mountain of conflict reaches the summit, there is healing on the way down. The key is not to hide from the mountain just because the conflict is hard, but to stay with it, grounded, loving, and with the goal of harmonious understanding in mind. If I were in the same position today, I would ask that we all take ownership of our own shadows and see only the love underneath. Let down the walls and let all feelings in, however uncomfortable they may be.
Nothing can be healed without being seen. We are only cleansed by seeing, and even loving, our obstacles. To be healed is to be loved.
And, when all else fails, don’t let anyone get your goat.
